Left home at 4:30 for a 6 a.m. flight. Forgot to fill the car with gas the night before but made it to the Park and Fly with fumes to spare. The airport shuttle showed up in 7 minutes as promised and I'm at the Premier check-in line in another 5. Only one person ahead of me. It's soooooo nice to have a dedicated line all your own, although it feels like taking cuts in front of everyone else. Empathy for my fellow pax evaporated quickly and I was off to the Aero Mocha - the airport equivalent of Coffee People's drive-through espresso stand - for my morning Depth Charge. (For those of you east of the Cascades and south of the 45th parallel, that's a regular cup of coffee with three shots of espresso added. QuietLion, Punki, shadow - you all understand.)

UA 2601 PDX-LAX 737 2D (upgrade confirmed 24 hours)

Kvethcing about Sh*ttle by Untied to you guys is a ridiculous waste of bandwidth so I'll refrain. I'm just thankful for an ontime departure, Channel 9 to tune in to and an ontime arrival. Which is exactly what I get. OTOH, it's $62.50 to upgrade to first on this bus. Somehow that seems wrong. I'd be just as happy with 10A/F (the exit row seat on a 737 with no seat in front of it). As it is, the second row of FC on a Shuttle flight isn't so good because the person behind you can kickbox your seat with impunity.

The FA is obnoxious. "Look Chad, or Milo, or whatever the hell your name is. I didn't sit up here to be hit on by you at 6:45 in the morning. Shoo!" Actually, I told him I was a Jehovah's Witness. He shooed.

Couldn't get a clear shot at the manifest since it was covered with some UM documents. Sucko.

UA 950 LAX-IAD 757 seat 2C

Channel 9: on.
Departure: 40 minutes late.

Good thing the equipment is late. It gives the agents a little extra time to process the upgrades before boarding begins and no stressing over losing your overhead space. I am the last to clear the waitlist. Sweet! Can't wait to become PremEx and maybe avoid this will-they/won't-they upgrade nonsense at least some of the time.

The FA took meal orders by status level. I was somewhere in the middle but still only had one choice - breakfast burrito. It'll do. Better than a kick in the head, I always say. However, the snack service toward the end of the flight was terrific: the cart was loaded with all kinds of cheese, fresh fruit, bagels, deli meats, smoked salmon and scampi. I love fish and apparently no one else did except a pregnant PremEx behind me, so we are offered seconds and thirds, which I gladly accept.

After the movie ("The Sixth Sense") I go for leisurely trip to the lav, a ruse for gathering manifest data. (Thanks PremEx, you've created a monster.) To wit, no(!) 1Ks; 3 PEs; 4 Prems (one of which was Premier Emeritus), and 5(!?) MPs. That amazed me.

The FA is great and I chat it up with her while peeking at the manifest. I ask how long she's been with UA. She says 2 years, which surprises me since she looks to be about mid40s. Reading my mind she says she started when she was 47 and really loves her job. It shows. She's really great attentive the whole flight and about an hour before landing gives each of the elites a bottle of wine or champagne. Nice treat! I thanked her for spoiling me. Pithy comment as I was not to be so well pampered for the rest of my long, insane journey.

The pilot made good time. Arrived only 30 minutes late but still had to do an OJ to make my connection.

UA 962 IAD-MUC 777 16B (bulkhead coach)

Channel 9: on
Departure: ontime

I arrived at the gate with less than 10 minutes to spare and not liking my chances for overhead bin space.

This is my first time on the triple seven, and like any respectable FT'er, I check for the 1st suites as I board. None on this boat. But the 777 is still a sweet ship by all counts, including luggage space. I am thrilled to not have to check my bag.

I knew going in that I had about the best seat available in coach, the bulkhead windows (A/J) being the best IMO. I am able to just about stretch my legs all the way. The exit rows have tons more legroom but I'm not to partial to sitting next to the lavs.

I can see into C class from my vantagepoint. Sure looks dreamy up there, except for the aisle seats in the last row: they actually obstruct the doorway between the two cabins a bit so it's hard for FAs and pax to pass without bumping into the seat. Ditto with the C/G seats in the bulkhead in coach.

In terms of steerage class, it's not bad at all. Each seat is equipped with a personal video monitor with six channels to choose from. The FAs pass out menus as soon as the seatbelt sign is off. Beverage service is fast, dinner is served right after the movies begin and after dinner drinks are offered in good time.

I settle in for The Thomas Crowne Affair. Hot diggity! This one's been on my must-see list for weeks, and I hear there's lot of skin to be seen, especially the fetching flesh of Pierce Brosnan. But I am brutally denied! United has sanitized this version for my viewing protection!! ARGH!!!

The FAs come through the cabins every hour or two offering water. Much appreciated. I decide not to sleep this leg because when I board for the return it'll be 3 a.m. PST, not far off my normal bedtime, and figure that I can avoid jet lag altogether. (Ultimately, I do.) I spend the rest of the flight, strolling the aisles, reading, fiddling with the video.

My only criticism about the flight is the seat. It was quite hard. In fact it seemed that way right from the start so I used my blanket as an extra cushion.

The approach to the Munich terminal is very pretty. You can see the snow-capped Alps out of the left side of the plane just before landing. There is a ton of acreage around the airfield, itself enormous by American standards. And it's unbelievably clean and tidy. Gorgeous terminal, the most beautiful I've ever seen.

Customs is a breeze since mine is the only flight in at 8 a.m. on Sunday. It feels strange to not even be leaving the airport. But my mission was miles, and it's a bad time to start second-guessing yourself at this point.

I grab a weisswurst (not bad) and started to stroll over to the gift shop. I remembered that they don't do that in Germany so made myself sit down for two minutes and consume it with decency. I stock up on liquor-filled chocolates and lots of airplane bottles of the local swill for the kids back home before heading to the check in counter in vain hopes of a upgrade. I'm starting to feel a little tired now and crave the relatively cushiony seats of Shuttle. (Did I say that?)

Ha. The dreaded V-class (read loser) fare bites me in the butt. The Lufthansa personnel running the show at the United counter are intractable on the upgrade issue, but invite me to stop in the LH Business lounge. I'm only Silver on the Star Alliance, which I don't think means anything, but I'm willing to give it shot.

I am waved through! There is a nice selection of snacks, beer, wine and bowlfuls of sweets. I grab a USA Today and almost doze off. It dawns on me that if I miss this flight I will have to explain to my editor why I won't be at work Monday: "oh, well, I dozed off in the Senator Lounge in Munich this weekend and missed my flight home." Yeah, Samantha, THAT's an excuse.

UA 963 MUC-IAD 777 16A

The gate agents at MUC aren't too organized and do not attempt to stop Y or non-elite pax when they call boarding for F, C and *A elites. The gate area for this flight is way too small so there's no where to stand except in someone else's way. The FA's were impatient with pax once they were on board and it must have rubbed off on my seatmate. He snarled at me when I wouldn't let him "help" me with my purse. Exsqueeze me, but nobody should be grabbing for my purse. Mr. Snarly stewed in silence as I settled in, which was fine with me. Now I was assured of a yak-free flight.

I was out like a light. I dreamily remember being offered a cocktail and lunch. When I woke up, it was six hours later, a new in-flight best. Personally, I love the droning of machinery. It's very soothing.

Snack service was on the way up the aisle and visions of SkyDeli danced in my head. I almost refused it but thought I should at least pick at the fresh fruit. Surprise surprise! The ham and brie panini was delicious, way better than the breakfast burrito. It was served with a salad of shredded, marinated root vegetables. Perfect and refreshing.

No Channel 9 to accompany my waking hours on this leg. Arrival was 3:15 on the dot, right on time.

I pass through customs in less than five minutes and outlet at the RCC at gate C7, one gate over from next leg. I decide to celebrate my impending jump in status with an RCC membership. Sanest thing I've done all day.

Not the poshest RCC I've ever seen but it's my little slice of heaven just the same. A free seat by a window is opposite a cool guy who's on his way to MUC! Of course he's going out on the equipment I just came in on. We talk over a glass of wine and the attendants keep bringing us cheese and crackers even though we don't want any. Mr. Munich-bound leaves, replaced by new pod companions who happen to be on my flight to SFO and are also waitlisted. He is a 1K and he is a non-elite. We start crabbing about United and the whole upgrading hassle, and I bring up the subject of FT. The 1K was really excited to know about our little forum here. Hopefully, we'll have a new member soon.

We stroll over to the gate together and wish one another good luck in the quest for C class.

UA 947 IAD-SFO 767-300 18A

Something's up. The gate is mobbed and people are turning purple. The flight is oversold and refugees from another SFO flight are stepping over each other just to stand by. And the lock on the cockpit door for _this_ flight is having fits. "Mechanics are working on it," we're told, and they promise an update in an hour.

My new companions and I trudge back to the RCC, snagging drink tickets on the way in, engaged in a wicked b***h fest about United, all within earshot of the concierge and attendants. Saucer of milk, table for three! My earlier catnap is no defense for a second glass of wine at this point and I'm now on the edges of my cranky zone.

Back at the gate, the mob is now raging. Food vouchers are being sought and granted, and I sense that I will never see the inside of this plane tonight let alone eat pillow in my own bed. The agents are already rerouting LAX-bound folks so I wait for a break in the fury and offer to be rerouted via Seattle. Too late. LAX is my only option and I'll have to spend the night there. "No problem," I chirp (on the last of fumes of my best behavior).

A 1K emitting major bad vibes starts crowding me and waving her ticket in front of the agent, who has the chutzpah to completely ignore it. Ms. 1K demands to be served, "nnnnnow!" I tell her she'll have to wait till I'm done. The agent, in a much less civil tone, asks Ms. 1K to step aside until she's done with me, but she won't budge.

While the agent finished up rebooking me, I felt a Rudi-moment coming on: I reached into my bag for a cognac-filled chocolate bar, and, in full view of Ms. Can't-Have-My-Way, slipped it to the agent as she passed my ticket over the counter. She beamed. I thanked her for accommodating me so quickly and took off for the relative peace and quiet of the next gate.

UA 195 IAD-LAX A320 12B (exit)

The best seat available is a middle exit, which I jump at. At least it reclines and has all kinds of legroom. Walking between gates I feel I'm about to hit the wall. It's only 6:30 p.m. but all I really want is a shower, room service and a clean bed, preferably now. I'm in luck. The customer service center is not busy and the rep. takes pity on me when I admit the nature of my trip. He books me at the Hyatt Dulles and reroutes me through Denver early the next morning. I am so grateful.

Hyatt Dulles

My room is more like a mini suite, with the work/sitting area separated from the bed by the TV. Not bad. I wonder if all Hyatts are like this.

Arrggh! My meal voucher doesn't cover room service. I postpone the shower and head for the dining room. The hotel is dead, and the dining room is even deader so service is quick. I invited a fellow stranded passenger to join me and we talked about Italy, where he's stationed, and generally had a nice chat over what turns out to be a pretty decent meal. I splurged on the lamb chops. I asked for rare and got rare. Excellent.

I head to my room to make some phone calls (yes, even one to my cat) and finally plopped into bed around midnight and fell asleep watching "Saving Private Ryan."

It's now very early Monday morning ...

UA 443 IAD-DEN 757 9B (exit)

No upgrade, again. Turns out this run is packed with elites. Breakfast is spartan, but healthy.

A dark thought occurs to me: by coming home through Denver instead of SFO as originally planned, I won't have enough miles to made Premier Exec and I'll have failed my mission. Don't laugh! This is really eating at me. I feel like I've wasted my time and money and really feel like an idiot. I'm in a shame spiral.

Then I have another thought. And I should be locked up for it.

DEN, end of C concourse

I head straight to customer service and confess my sin: I covet status! I ask to please be rerouted home via SFO. I explain that I especially want the status before next week so that I'll have a better chance of upgrading over Thanksgiving weekend. The lady there is great about it and says her husband always makes weird year-end runs for the same reason. (I feel like I've found my flock!)

Somehow we get further into the topic of my connection through DEN next week and she pulls _that_ record up. Why, I don't know. Unfortunately, she accidentally deletes it. She apologizes profusely over and over and promises to get it reinstated. My reserves of patience are restored from last night's low levels and I tell her no harm, no foul. She gives me a one-segment upgrade for my inconvenience and I happily hoof it to the my gate with minutes to spare.

UA 1841 DEN-SFO 757 12E (middle seat, Economy Plus zone)

This flight is oversold, but I don't know it till I'm on the jetway. I manage to reverse course without drawing unwanted attention and inquire about a bump. I figure I'm not going to work today anyway, so what the hell. They don't need more volunteers so I do the right thing for a change (!) and check my rollaboard. It was actually nice to not schlep it around anymore.

My seatmate on the aisle offers to switch with me so she can discuss biz with her partner who is seated on the window. What's to think about?

We're ready for an ontime pushback when the pilot announces we will indeed leave the gate on time but will have to sit on the runway for up to 2-1/2 hours due to fog in S.F. They needed the gate for other planes so there wasn't much to be done about it. Thankfully, no one groaned or threw a hissy fit. A check of the manifest later revealed a cabin filled almost to the brim with elites. Many, many 1ks in coach. I didn't feel so bad about not getting an upgrade and was really quite comfortable in my aisle seat in the Eco+ zone.

The FA's came through with water and coffee, and when we finally took off, only an hour later, headsets and drinks were comped to all.

I am going to get my miles today and I'm going to make PremEx today, but I am not going to make it to work today. I should be committed if not fired.

UA 2260 SFO-PDX 16A

The witless staff at the SFO Shuttle gates earns my everlasting contempt. I politely ask for a better seat, more forward in the cabin. They offer me a middle. I ask how that's a better seat. The guy shrugs. I approached the counter again a few minutes later, asking a new face for a better seat should one become available due to an upgrade. She said without referencing anything that wouldn't happen. Grrr. I tried again with someone else a few minutes later and got the same Orphan Annie eyes staring back at me. They don't even process, they just react. And rudely, I might add.

I decide to grin and bear it. For the miles.

United Shuttle is boarded by "zones." Zones used to mean a straightforward concept of loading pax from the back forward. But now zone boarding is a special torture. Zone 1 boarding pass, which is what I had, means a window seat in the back; zone 2 is a middle seat in back, and so forth. Meanwhile, up in rows 3-8, I spy empty seats galore. At ten minutes to pushback I'm ready to push back myself. I get the attention of the closest FA and very firmly request a seat in the Premier zone as I had requested thrice before from the gate agents. She motions me to come on. I am grateful once again and feel that my luck has seen it limits for this weekend.

Oh, and what did I say earlier about F class on Shuttle not being worth it? I take that back.

Dozing off in 3A (remember, that's right behind the last row of F class), I took care not to kickbox the seat in front of me and also took this vow: I will never ever ever ev-er again book a Shuttle flight unless I'm confirmed in an exit row window seat or in F class. From now on it's Alaska to the Bay Area or LAX.

I love landing in PDX where the air is fresh and clean smelling. It was dry and mostly sunny when we arrived at 3 p.m. And I didn't too much mind the possibility of a totally empty gas tank back at the Park and Fly, because by my calculations my YTD mileage was somewhere around 50,500. Mission accomplished.